"Act the way you want to feel."

I base a lot of my thoughts and feelings on “when I got back from travelling” (circa August 2013) because after the initial gusto of seeing family and friends, the familiarity of home began to wean.  My interests changed and I moved away from social circles where a majority of my friends were.  Communities help provide a sense of identity and for a period I was very unsure of where I belonged.

Prior to travelling (pre-November 2012) I was that materialistic kid with the funky watches, cool hats, funny t-shirts, colourful shoes, childish knapsacks, and fuck-it/YOLO/judgemental attitude.  The more I look at it the more I seriously can not imagine it being a sustainable lifestyle.  It felt very pretend and superficial albeit it was a different kind of happiness to be naïve.

I tell a lot of my friends that I backpacked owning only three shirts and came home to a closet full of clothes unsure of what to do with it all.  From the outside in, I can see why some people liked me more before I left.  Thinking about thinking in the past couple of months has sort of sucked some fun out of my life.  As much as it has brought some clarity I have also experienced dissonance.

Friendships and strong social bonds are meaningful contributors to happiness – I had a lot to ponder on that subject in a chapter of Gretchen Rubin’s “The Happiness Project”.  I have no difficulty starting conversations and being friendly around new people ~ like planting the seeds for becoming friends.  My difficulties come from maintaining and nourishing those relationships.  I don’t often have much to say afterwards (via text or online) and meeting up casually was for leisure and rarely confiding and sentimental.

I am making a point not to blame because that would be unproductive for others and myself.  It’s not easy though.  When I look through Twitter at the people I use to hang out with I sometimes wonder if social media has helped facilitate my overrating of fun activities that I didn’t do and underrate my own experiences.  I need to acknowledge what I enjoy and not what I wished I enjoyed.  To quote Rubin a number of times:

• “You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you like to do.” 

• “I could probably make myself like it [something] better if I tried, but I don’t like having to try to make myself like things.  I want to spend more time on the things that I already like.” 

• “What's fun for other people may not be fun for you - and vice versa.”

I have begun to realize my circumstance (quietude is a word that has been building on and off in my mind lately) and I am accepting what I have been for a majority of my life, an introvert more than extrovert.  I no longer feel like I need to justify why I want to be less social; it is merely more of a relief to be alone or in a small group.  I know it is okay to ask for help – I just choose not to do it verbally.  Communicating my vulnerabilities through written words, having it read and responded to is where I am most comfortable.

As long as I am growing I am happy.