Choices and happiness...

Sometimes having choices in life is simpler than a blank slate.  It is an exaggeration because you are never without choices, but perhaps realizing the extent of your options and making decisions isn't so clear.  I like to think of it as the luxury of having too many choices.  When the possibilities are limitless it also leaves room for fear of failure and regret.  Self-knowledge is crucial that without it your blank slate becomes a mental turmoil.

I first felt this way after coming home from Asia and then a second time after coming home from New England.  Travelling changed me.  I thought I knew myself but in fact I struggled with who I am, who I am not and who I want to be.  I was unable to pick up my life from where it left off prior to travelling and instead I became very reserved.

My blank slate had more or less to do with having nothing to tie me down - freedom from responsibilities - but I didn't appreciate or feel grateful about it.  I wanted to runaway from that guilt and travelling felt like an abandonment of everyday worries - a total commitment to a fresh start.  Failing that, I felt it would at least get me on the same level of success as some of my friends.

It is all about perspective.  The risk of failure doesn't scare me however missing out on an opportunity that most people envy does.  Settling down scares me because there is an entire world out there waiting to be discovered while I exist in only a small part of it.  In all regards it is the ego talking.  There is nothing wrong with where I am and in fact there are probably many benefits not to be elsewhere.

In order to enjoy living in the now I mustn't take my experiences for granted.  After all, my travelling was the result of work burnout and I am more renewed than ever.  If I weigh my choices carefully I can come up with a decision that is less emotionally attached.  

• I can work temporarily until July in order to build enough funds to live and work in Australia. If I decide not to go I lose $400 on the entry visa.  
• I can work temporarily until I find placement in an Asian country (hopefully Korea) so that I can teach English for an extended period.
• I can work hard with a new food store that has hired me.  Growth with the company as it franchises seems very ideal as a budding career.

Money has never been a great desire of mine.  If I have it than I have it, if I do not than I can make do without it.  When I need it I will work for it and when I don't need it I donate more to charity.  Losing the Australia visa is not very concerning to me; instead I consider it an opportunity that can be bought again in the future.  When I think about the reward of working in Australia I immediately think about honesty.  Day in and day out backpacker work is an honest way of living.

The prospect of teaching overseas as a foreigner is exciting to me.  The challenge of culture shock is also compounded by the stress of being clueless.  If I am lucky than room and board will be included and my earnings can support future goals.  The responsibility of being an educator to very impressionable kids is an interesting role I have little experience with.  What if I handle it poorly but I am committed to a contract?

My most immediate opportunity is working with something entirely new in Toronto.  Its success and failure has some hold on my shoulders but as a team player the odds are enthusiastically good.  In saying that, the opportunity to grow within the company is also good.  No part of me wants to not do good with this venture.  It will require me to put travelling a side for a couple of years.

Much like the luxury of having choices and freedom from responsibilities, I realize that my passion for travel is also a privilege.  What or who would I be if I took that away?  If I knew I couldn't fail, what would I be doing instead?  If money were no object, how would I live my life different?  I believe these are important considerations to discovering what will make you happy.