Battling my insecurities

It's been a tough year.  I've never felt sad and lonely more times than ever.  I've tried escapism but I'm always brought back to reality feeling like I took a step backwards. 

Things feel exacerbated this year, like the gap that divides those who move forward and those who are stuck.  I've been beating myself down with negative self-talk and putting myself into some impossible corners. 

At times I don't know how to keep it all together.  It's very stressful.  It leaves mental cracks but hopefully nothing permanent.  

Despite feeling at my low points, there have been friends who've given me so much kindness when I haven't been kind to myself.  It was really nice to feel even more connected to people I deeply trust.  It's allowed me to try being more vulnerable.  

Asking for help has been my greatest weakness.  Acknowledging and sharing my vulnerabilities has been greatly lifting.  It really put a light on the unrealistic expectations I had for myself.  Getting help from people I trust, who don't judge, feels good and should not be something I run away from.  It's a leap of faith worth taking.      

I've tried a couple of different self-help stuff and it's often felt like a halfway point.  In order to get to the other side are the people you surround yourself with.  However, if the issue was loneliness, it's hard to run towards that help.  

I feel like this is my turning point. 

I'm moving in February.  I'm kind of scared living on my own since the past three places I've lived were with others.  I know I can do this though.  I've never felt more alone than 2020 and this move will not take me there.    

Rather than see this move as another big and stressful thing to do, it's beginning to become a thing for me to reach out and ask for help.  It's a step in the right direction.  

I'm beginning to be more receptive of how lucky I am to have people in my life who think I am good enough and worth living.  I've been shown a lot of gratitude and it's important that I do the same.  I want to surround myself with people who want to make each other happy. 

My other weakness has been not cultivating and growing the connections that I sometimes take for granted.  I don't ever want to over look someone ever again.  I'd rather look deep into our experiences together and expand on what that means.  

There's a lot I want to continue working on about myself.